As I Lay Dying
by Somebody Once
Summary: Spoilers for tomorrows episode 'Reap the Whirlwind - Part 2' Death isn't how you imagined.
1. Chapter 1

It's funny the things that go through your head as you're dying.

The finality of this hits Cal, head in the dirt, iron on his tongue and he has a sudden realisation of complete clarity. So this is what it's like mixed with the roaring screaming of nerve endings and his heart stuttering and fluttering in his chest as he feels himself choking on his own blood. He hadn't seen this coming. He honestly hadn't.

He'd wondered more than a few times in his line of work and in his 33 years if people knew on the day they died, if on some level they felt something different, something afoot. Ellison's boots disappear into the night and Cal lies in a puddle of rainwater and his own disappearing blood. He tries to think. No then. They don't know. He didn't. Nothing amiss today. Your regular Thursday shift work, no evidence jumped out at him proclaiming this would be his last day on earth. He knows it is though. He can feel it in each laboured breath, in the copper on his tounge, sliding down his throat. His chest rattles. Pneumothorax. He's pretty sure the knife pierced his lung, if not the first time then definitely the second.

'Please don't let Ethan find me' he thinks. 'Please'. 'Oh Ethan. I'm so sorry' he thinks. 'I'm so sorry I can't be here to look after you Nibbles, forgive me.'

And suddenly he lets himself shake and give into the pain because it's more than he's felt in his whole life and he knows he's in shock and doesn't even know the worst of it. It's heroic he supposes. Could have been a worse death, but he's suddenly very aware he's never going to turn 34. Never going to tease his brother again, never treat another patient, drink another pint, see another sunrise. He won't ever get married or have kids then. That wasn't the way his story ended. This is it for Caleb Knight. Oh god this is it. And Ethan…oh poor Ethan, he's going to be left all alone, and what about when he gets ill? What about then, who looks out for him then?

Cal tries as hard as he can to roll himself over but everything's starting to go dark now, the edge of his vision begins to fade. He tries to think of the last thing he said to Ethan, right before he sent him off to Alicia, was it something memorable or something stupid? It's disappearing, everything's disappearing.

He wishes he wasn't alone. Wishes his brother was with him right now and it's selfish and it's pathetic maybe but Cal needs him more than he's ever needed anyone in his life and he wants his brother. His phone lies opposite and where he's lying he can see it swallowed up by rainy puddles in the night. It lights up green. 'Nibbles'.

Cal can't make his arm move, he can't make anything move. He wills it, tries so hard but he's lost too much blood, too much time. The hospital looks so different from down here he thinks. And then he's back with his mom, pushing Ethan's buggy over the hill by their house, _'sing to him Caleb, sing to your brother…'_ and he's holding Matilda, he's rocking her, kissing her sweet baby forehead, under her chin and making her smile. He can feel the wind in his hair as he holds Emilie as she dies overlooking the beach, _'and Cal and I will be doddery old men by then, Cal's on his fourth wife…but we come back every year and we look out at the sea and we say 'here's to you mum'._ Then Ethan, Ethan at 2, Ethan at 15 all silly horn rimmed glasses and stammer, _'leave me alone Caleb'_ , Ethan at 22 in med school, Ethan angry _'what are you doing here?' 'I'm the locum'_ , Ethan hurt _'who looks out for me Caleb'_ , Ethan stretchered in, chest injury and bleeding, Ethan punching him _'it's about you Cal, it's always about you.'_ Ethan fighting for him _'nobody touches my brother…'_ Rock paper scissors, and Ethan's stupid decision to always go with scissors. The look in his little brother's eyes when he fixes you with that gaze _'i'm always going to look at you and think 'yeah that's my brother'. 'Yeah and you've got me for life Nibbles'._

He has, he always will.

A tear makes its way down Cal's cheek. Ok. He thinks. Ok Caleb.

He's not a religious man. He doesn't know if there's anything else out there. He's a realist, a cynic even and he's not making it here. He's a doctor too and that part knows the grevious nature of the wounds. He feels his life leaving him. Suddenly there's movement and the sky that was beginning to be swallowed up in black gives way to blurry shapes. Someone is shouting, moving, it's blurry, just shapes and blur but he likes to think it's Ethan. Ethan coming to hold him.

'It's ok Nibbles' he tries to say but nothing comes out but a garbled moan and what he imagines to be a fair amount of blood. 'It's ok, I'm ok.' Someone grabs his hand. Someone holds it in their own, there are hands on him, the blurs stretch in and out, infinite and colourful even in their fade and Cal thinks it's almost the most beautiful thing he's ever seen. Maybe it's Ethan, maybe it's Emilie or his Mom, but they are beautiful and as his eyes close for the final time he has one thought on his mind. 'My safety net's here'.

* * *

Charlie keeps pressure on the horrific mess that is Cal's chest, next to him Connie's on her knees in the rain both of them frantic, staring at the young man in horror bleeding out before them.

'Keep those eyes open Cal' Charlie shouts, 'come on Cal stay with us'.

Cal's too far gone though, he looks up at Charlie like he's not seeing him, or seeing someone else and when his eyes close there's a ghost of a smile on his face as his chest stops moving. Charlie's seen it all working at Holby he's lost people young and old, brutally, and slowly. This one feels the most wrong.

Somewhere nearby in a puddle Cal's phone is ringing. Charlie can just make out the word 'Nibbles' on the screen.

Connie runs to get help. Charlie does the only thing he can do. He holds Cal's hand and sits with him in the rain.


	2. Chapter 2

Ethan kisses Alicia, he can't quite believe he has the guts to do it, but he does. He thinks maybe it's Cal's influence, his comment as he pushed Ethan to finally move forward with Alicia 'life's too short' he'd said. He and Alicia had wasted so much time and now Cal had promised he was ok with them starting something if finally felt right.

He washed his hands in the bathroom sink and tried to steady his nerves. 'Be more Cal' he whispered as cupped some water in his hands and ran it over his face. If he could just channel some of his big brother's smoothness then he'd be fine.

He raised his eyes to the mirror and jumped slightly to see said big brother stood behind him. 'Jesus Caleb!' he spat out nervously. 'You scared the life out of me.'

Cal was watching him curiously. 'Well I know you'll love to hear this but you were right. I made a move. I kissed her! Cal it was amazing.' Ethan beamed into the mirror.

Cal titled his head and smiled at him, a soft sort of sad smile and Ethan carried on rambling, 'I know what you're going to say 'why are you hiding out here instead of out there and I'll have you know I'm just going, I just needed to take a minute. Ugh. Come on lets rock paper scissors who gets a round in.'

Ethan turned around. Cal was now stood at the bathroom door, something about his stance had Ethan pausing. 'Hey, you ok?'

When he stopped to look at his brother outside of the mirror he noted with growing unease a tear was rolling down his big brother's cheek, 'hey Caleb…' he took a step forward to comfort his brother. 'What's happened?'

Cal lowered his head for a moment, when he looked up Ethan could see a million different emotions running across his brother's face. He looked like he didn't know where to begin.

'Cal?'

Cal opened his mouth, looked Ethan in the eyes, 'Goodbye Nibbles'.

The door swung open and a soaking Max stood before Ethan. Ethan's knees started to shake. The door had just gone right through the image of his brother as he disappeared into nothing. Ethan was suddenly filled with the worst, most ominous feeling of his life. Max's eyes met his, abject horror written all over his face.

'Ethan quick, it's Cal!'

* * *

Cal wasn't breathing once Ethan entered recuss. He was already dead.

It didn't stop Ethan from screaming at everyone 'DO SOMETHING,WHY ARE YOU STOPPING, CALEB! DON'T DO THIS TO ME. CAL YOU CAN NOT DO THIS TO ME!'

He felt every nerve in his body humming with total and complete fear. This was not happening. Cal was not lying bloodied and dead before him. Ethan placed his own hands on his brother's chest, desperate, 'help me Charlie! Help me!'

Charlie silently stepped forward, shaking his head gently, 'Ethan…'

'Mrs Beachaump, Mrs Beauchamp please, please…'

Connie stood horrified at the end of the bed, motionless. Why wasn't anyone doing anything? Why weren't they helping? Why were they just letting Cal die.

They were all looking at him like he was crazy. Like he was the crazy one for trying to save his brother. Ethan's hands were sticky with Cal's blood as he pushed down on his unresponsive chest.

'Don't leave me Caleb, please. Please don't. I need you. You're all I've got.' He stammered. At some point he realised he was crying but he couldn't stop. He couldn't stop.

'Please' he sobbed, wracks taking over his body. 'Oh please'.

His brother looked like he was sleeping, but he was waxen pale, like a mannequin. Cal usually slept on his side, sprawling and annoyingly loud breather. Ethan had fallen asleep next to him at home enough to know. This wasn't sleeping. This was not sleeping.

Ethan knew it. He knew it was too late too. Now knew that what he saw in the pub was some version of his brother coming to say goodbye. Knew there was no bringing either of them back from this brink.

What happened? What the hell had happened? How had someone done this to his big brother?

He felt a hand on his shoulder, and he turned slightly to see Alicia. He shook his shoulder from her grasp. She was the reason. She was the reason Cal was left to die alone. Ethan should have been there. He should have been protecting him.

His hands shake violently and he slowly, lets them move from Cal's chest. He brings them to rest on the side of his brothers face. Brings his head down so his forehead is touching his brothers. 'It's ok Caleb, i'm here now.' He tells him. 'It's ok now. You're alright, you're alright.'

He hears commotion behind him, sobs, Charlie trying to move everyone out of the room. They can go Ethan doesn't need them. All he ever needed really is lying dead and cold in this room.

'My brother…' Ethan whispers. Cal feels cold. Absent. Ethan moves to the table at the side of the room, returns with antiseptic wipes, 'we need to get this blood of you Cal' he tells him. He runs the wipe over Cal's blood stained mouth, over his cheeks, down his neck. He shudders when he gets to the chest, the wipe is saturated and stained with blood. Way too much blood loss to be survivable. 'You're my brother'. He repeats. 'My brother'.

When Cal's face looks less like a murder victim and more like his usual pretty boy self Ethan moves his brother over, lifts up his arm and climbs onto the bed. Lies next to him. He puts his head on his brother's chest. It doesn't move. Ethan grips his hand, the hand that had shoved and grabbed and held him all his life, it's like a rag doll and that's what eventually does it for Ethan. His big brother, the most alpha male, reduced to a puppet with its strings cut out. He sobs, he sobs and sobs and sobs. He's still lying with Cal and still crying when the police arrive.

He loses it and snaps when they try to remove him from Cal, when they ramble on about his brother being 'evidence'. He's not evidence, he's Caleb Knight, he's Ethan's big brother, registrar, he's not supposed to be evidence. Someone gives him a sedative, he thinks it's Duffy, could have been Charlie. There are the most infuriating animal cries echoing around the ED. It takes Ethan a good few hours to realise they were coming from him.

Cal is dead. Beautiful, frustrating, teasing, whirlwind Cal. He is everything that drove Ethan mad, he is everything that was love and he died all alone.

Ethan throws up.


End file.
